Hey loved ones,
I don't have anything insightful to share right now, just a really serious need for prayer. Two days ago it was finding out that I'm rejecting at both the cellular and antibody levels. Earlier today, my doctor did give us a hard and fast "no" on our Hawaii trip. Just a little bit ago I found out that if this next biopsy doesn't go perfectly, I'm slated for a big hospital stay followed by more chemotherapy. The truth is that I try to be so strong, and really I'm just filled with despair. Lise too.
The Hawaii thing might seem like an ostentatious luxury, and maybe not a big deal that we're missing it - but we've been saving every month for 5 years to do this, and now it looks like the airline is going to keep our money. Actually, while the money is a huge blow, the real hurt comes from the fact that this trip had become our only enduring dream over the last several years. Lots of other dreams have had to be put on hold or let go of for good, but this trip was supposed to be the celebration of my surviving the transplant, combined with celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary (June 24th). It was also the last plan for our summer that hadn't been canceled. Overwhelming disappointment has become far to common an emotion for us.
I feel so sad, and angry, and impotent, and dead inside, so much of the time. I desperately need your prayers, and Elise does too. There seems to be little use in praying for a change of events, or a dramatic turn of health, or other versions of the "things will come out right" prayer - I don't know why, but Jesus has laid a rough path, and it seems the plan is for us to walk it. I think we need prayers for feeling his presence during the journey. Some may argue that there's no way Jesus can "abide" with us and not bring joy, but my experience tells me otherwise. And honestly, I don't think I can reach for joy right now - I just need him to remind me of his presence and provision, and the fact that He has not forgotten us. These are things I know in my head, and I know the verses that teach them. But in my experience, knowledge very seldom comforts, and never rescues.
Even as I write this, I'm aware that many of you who might read it are going through struggles equally or more challenging that what lies before Elise and me right now. I'm very sorry if I've made you feel disrespected or unregarded in your own suffering by writing frankly here. One thing I have learned is that a person's suffering is all their own, and one of the most unique aspects of their relationship with God - after all, no one really does or can completely understand what you're feeling except Him. That's why we need to pray for each other. Even as I ask for prayers, I want to offer to pray for you too. Please write me back if I can - we all walk through darkness at some point or another.
I love you all,